Baby loss awareness
As it comes to the end of baby loss awareness week I just wanted to share how I feel because it is such a taboo subject. I want to try an normalise grief and allow bereaved parents to grieve freely and without judgement if I can.... Every year October consumes me with grief I am not a nice person! Not only is it baby loss awareness week but my son was born in October. I feel it creeping up on me and I can’t do anything about it no matter how hard I try to distract myself it’s still there like a black dog waiting around every corner. The smallest thing sets the tears off, my heart actually aches for my baby who will never be here. It could be a song, smell, a memory or someone else telling me their story.
But after 9 years every October I let myself open the box that is locked away in my heart. I’ve learned to control it in a weird way it has taken along time a lot of panic attacks a lot of bad days a lot of events i couldn’t go to due to other people’s baby’s being there. In the beginning I was unable to control my emotions when friends and family said they were pregnant and always having the question why did it happen to me. I used to worry what people would think if I didn’t go to such events like christenings an birthday party’s I always thought I’m being so rude I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I was jealous! Yes jealous not a nice thing to admit but I was jealous of the life that had cruelly been ripped away from me after a matter of only 12 days he was gone and my whole world had changed for the rest of my life. No subsequent pregnancy or baby would be anxiety free or enjoyable due to the constant worry about the what ifs.
But if truth be told most people understand an if they don’t then they are arseholes who you do not need in your life because losing a child and becoming a bereaved parents at any age is THE WORST thing you can go through in life. There is no name for it either like widow or orphan, because it is incomprehensible. The pain is still their but it has become easier we talk about him every day. We have adapted as a family the girls know they have a brother in heaven. We spend special occasions at the grave I know it’s unconventional but I couldn’t care less we even went on my wedding day in the wedding car. We know their is and always will be a void in our family which nothing can fill. But we encourage the girls to talk about their brother because he is their sibling and that is never going to change. They have a brother he just lives in heaven - sometimes it makes people feel uncomfortable they don’t know what to say but if everyone could just be kind or not say anything at all, the world would be an nicer place.
9 years on people’s uninvited opinions have subsided thankfully, having to deal with peoples unbelievable comments like “at least your only young you can have another one” “he was only a baby it would of been harder if he was an actual child” the only people who make these ludicrous comments are people whose children have not died!
But what I’m really saying is there is no right or wrong way it’s like a never ending rollercoaster of grief.
Some days, months and years are much easier than others like your high on life.
The next you are hurtling towards the ground because you just can’t cope with the fact your child’s not here and never will be.
Then there’s unexpected twists and turns sometimes sending you into emotional turmoil within minutes.
Just be kind to yourself and others no one grieves the same so support were you can, the wounds heal but the scars will always be there.
If you are supporting a bereaved parent
Never say things like:
Stay strong
You will get over it
Or compare a child’s age or death as it’s not comparable and I can assure you it won’t help anyone by doing this.
Just let the parent talk about their child freely without judgment, mention their child’s name.
Ask about their baby or child, it’s important to the parent they are recognised as a person in their own right.
There is a wave of light happening all over the country at 7pm Tuesday 15th October 2019, there are lots of places joining in all over the country I know St Elphins church, Warrington will be holding a service. But if you don’t want to go anywhere you can simply light a candle to remember your little one 🕯
My inbox is always open for anyone who needs help an support!
There are also great agencies such as:
Child death helpline http://childdeathhelpline.org.uk/
Also if you need any extra support GP’s can refer to councillors and of course prescribe antidepressant an anti anxiety medication as an when required - I too have used all of these resources whilst trying to patch my life back together, it takes a long time but eventually there will be a new type of normal a nice normal it does happen you will be happy again but for now if you are in the midst of grief go with it, let it engulf you until you are ready 😇
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